A Land Far Away

(Sent to the bard college of silverymoon)

Take one bard... set her on constant watch duty... give her little... make her fight to be acknowledged... show how worthless she is...and get a somewhat creative play inside her head:

Notes from the bored bard: hey there my audience! This is a fiction intended to amuse. My life is a joke so I wanted to share it with you! This is a parody play for amusement. Any coincidence to anyone living, dead or undead is entirely coincidental. With that out of the way let me introduce the cast:

Featuring:

Nova Punch! The perfect monk leader, with fists that can destroy mountains- but is holding a baby so can't.

Bobby the litch! A sinful evil human with adorable glasses and walks with a limp. He knows everything but nobody listens to him. Because he's evil.

Sword elf! With flowing blond hair and gleaming armour His sword speaks for him only, it glows and he always has it drawn. Always! Even when In the can. He doesn't need words at all. Speaks elegant elven and sword.

borracho! Steady as he is he’s actually fighting completely drunk. He's actually very kind but getting drunk and leaving others to their own folly is better. At least he has a drink.

Sally! A close confident of Nova. She Invented a language that only she understand called sallyese.. It took Nova seconds to comprehend it.

Clover! The bard who is not allowed to sing. Often belittled and out of place- because she’s the self inserted author character and everyone knows it.

Squeak! The mouse who runs a shop. Likes to watch while others fight, then nips around the battlefield for more wares to sell. As long as people say she's an adorable mouse they get to buy it back. She makes cute jingle sounds with a jester hat.

And of course Moira! The holy one. Wisest of them all she says nothing. She's just carried along for the ride and is only a week old.

Special guest: Azooloo: A blindfolded sorcerer that can’t see S*** - well- can -only- see invisible things. She has a blindfold from karatur called the Kanze shI. Translated it means the Renowned Death. It reduces all spell to a single two words by calling outs it name. She spends all her time blindfolded shouting ‘kanzi shi kanzi shi kanzi shi’ while blowing things up.

Special brief guest: Maddo. The suicidal halfling.

Croc god: a god of croc.

---

Scene 0 - Introduction

Nova and Sally Boracho and sword elf are kneeling before a picture of a giant crocodile.

Croc-God: (a giant picture of a crocodile): Behold my greatness adventurers, for I am Croc-God. Take my child Moira to the shrine and protect her. You will be rewarded for this deed. Beware, the baby will smile only to those of a good and kind heart. Trust only those of goodness!

Nova: (Taking baby as it giggles to her.)Ah! I am blessed by the baby for it laughs when I hold it!

Sword elf: (arches an eyebrow. In flowing elven he raises his sword and speaks:) Though this seems a strange situation our course is clear.

Borracho: Huh? Wha? I’m so drunk right now! Am I a dad? Oh yeah… *hic*

Sally: (kisses Nova apparently communicating something to her by the act.)

Nova: Yes Sally we may well need more in our great band. Let us see what the forge of heroes has provided.

Borracho: onward to the booze!

Scene 0.5

(Scene shifts to a bar known as the ‘forge of heroes’. Two are sitting here.. Maddo is drinking with Clover.

Clover: So… I made a new song. I call it, Woe of Woe of Woes. Want to hear it? (takes out some piece of paper.)

Maddo: Er… no. *pause* Do you like anything you do?

Clover: sure.. I like talking to you. Does that count?

Maddo: I’m not sure I do. (he drinks.) why are you here at a heroes bar anyway? All you do is attack training dummies. Now me, I’m actually killing things. Big things! I’m the real hero.

Clover: (downhearted) I’m just practicing... I’m sure I’ll build up to something big… maybe. If my writer allows it.

Maddo: Face it, you’ll only be something in your own stories like if you write yourself into a play or something. (he snickers.)

Clover: Uh huh… (knowing glance to audience)

Bartender: Hey I got a cockroach problem can you help?

Maddo: (looks around) why does nobody react to the call of adventure! I’m going to do it! (he quickly goes backstage.)

Clover: (half hearted) No. Maddo. Stop.

Enter: Nova, Borracho, Sword elf and sally.

Nova: I see no heroes here! Just a musician. I suppose we’ll have to do our epic quest ourselves.

Clover stands up: Hey- I’m training to be a hero. I could maybe write about your deeds?

Sword elf raises sword and in flowing elven: This bar is renowned to hold many a hero for recruitment. (points sword at Clover) Excuse me miss, your shoelace is untied.

Borracho: Elf guy is right! We should trial her by testing her in combat.

Sword elf (in flowing elven) urgh. Incompetent ignorant humans.

Clover: Me? I can fight a bit.. Sure. I’m also a healer and would be very happy to help the forces of nature in the world.

Nova: What arrogant presumption! We just happen to find someone here and they all suddenly want to join in our epic quest! I am not convinced of this.. Bard. Are there any other potential recruits here? Anyone else?

(sounds of screaming and dying from backstage.) He didn’t say it was a giant fire breathing roach!

Clover: No… Nobody but me at the moment.

Nova: well it seems we have our bard by default. It’s as if somone planned it that way. What’s your name?

Clover: I’m Clover…

Nova: I am Nova and this is Sally, (kisses sally) Borracho and.. Sword elf. I don’t know his real name, I can’t pronounce it. So it sort of stuck.

Clover: charmed.

Nova: well let’s do the baby test first. (holds out the baby doll. It has a shirt saying: I cry when evil people look at me.)

Clover: … uh… Hi. What’s the baby test?

Baby: (doesn’t do anything it’s just a doll.)

Nova: Hmm (looks to her suspiciously.) Have you done anything evil in your life?

Clover: Well… I don’t know. I mean that’s a deep philosophical question-

(Sally kisses Nova while clover looks in confusion)

Boracho: It’s how they *hic* communicate with each other. It’s called Lip lockese . Her own made up language that belongs only to her.

Clover: Oh.. I’ve never heard of that. Could I join and maybe learn from you?

Nova: My lips are a bit too busy to teach this to you.

Clover: I meant… to be an adventurer? (Exasperated look)

Nova: (afterkiss) hmmm..sally says the baby might think you’re evil which is why it won’t smile at you.

Clover: Evil? Me? I swear that halfling walked to his death by his own hands.

Nova: what halfling?

Clover: Er.. no halfling.. There’s no halfling here...

(Bobby the litch enters.)

Nova: Bobby! (baby cries)

Clover: (stunned look): that’s a litch?

Bobby: Yes, I’m a good litch though sorry I made the baby cry. Again. I also found an evil amulet! Again! (holds out evil red amulet- baby cries even more.)

Nova: hmph you have no regard for decency. Poor Moira there there the bad litch won’t get you.

Clover: So the baby is an evil detector? I’ll do some.. Research. (clearly suspicious now.)

Nova: Excellent. In the meantime, Sword elf will train you for our arduous and hellish journey into the forests of sleeping kittens and ponies. It’s just a name. There’s actually giants and ogres.

Clover: Oh, well I do love a training partner..

Sword elf in flowing Elven : I will either make you or break you. You will either live or die. Either way you are mine. (Fists bang together and knuckles crack)

Clover: I don’t speak Elven but.. yes? (goes off stage with sword elf)

(Sally kisses Nova)

Nova: Oh yes Sally, if she survives it. Sword elf will be quite rough on her.

---

Scene 1:

Time has passed.

Nova: So, let's see what now happens if we expose the holy one to the amulets of Evil the litch found. That was on the agenda right?

Sally (in sallyese): (plants a big massive kiss on her)

Nova: you are quite right Sally (sage nod) a vote would be a good idea. I vote yes.

Borracho: yeah whatever.

Sword elf: *points sword up and in flowing elven : no, bad idea.

Squeak: *squeak*? (Sounds of jingling bells)

Nova: What’s that!

Boracho: It’s a mouse.

Nova: Ah. How cute. Let it join us.

Squeak: squeak.

Nova: I’ll take that as another vote. It’s unanimous! Now of course I'll be holdin’ the holy one. Which one of you’s will present the Evil amulet? Not me of course for I am most blessed.

Sally (in salllyese): *Another smooch to Nova.*

Bobby: I'm not so sure this is a good idea.It’s an evil amulet innit? Look what it did to my hand. *shows gruesome green scaly hand* I’m sure it's gone evil just by touching it..

Sally: *smooches Nova*

Nova: Sally says I’m the leader you evil lich spawn! Bring the artifact of doom to the holy child! It's corrupted you more than enough already.

Bobby: well… okay…

(Litch bobby brings Evil amulet)

Child: screams and cries looking a bit crispy.

Bobby: oh what have I done! I've hurt the holy one and I see an evil god in my head! It’s talking to me! Ahh! (make crazy look to the audience.)

Boracho: *takes a deep drink* You dun bad bobby...

Nova points at Bobby: you sick sick man! No not even a man you litch! *cuddle the baby* There there little Moira I'll keep the bad monster away from you. For shame Bobby.. For shame. You used to be so good too...

Mouse: *squeak*

Nova: what’s that mouse? You blame Clover despite having never met her? Yes I agree. Let’s blame her.

(Pause)

Clover enters: hello? Am I at the right place? Sorry I’m still all bleeding from Sword elf’s training.

All others : Booo!

Clover: huh? What I do?

Boracho: your *hic* research is bad.

Clover: What? I only sent you what I could find.

Boracho: We *hic* did it all ourselves. We know everythin’ *hic* now.

Clover: So… I wasted everyone's time?

Nova: Yes.

Cloveroh: well I think-

Nova: Enough of this! You are holding us back and my hands crave a good punch! Let's travel onward to the holy site. I have foreseen we will find a great ally in the coming battle!

Boracho: What about the *hic* mouse?

Squeak: Squeak. (baby giggles)

Nova: No objections from the baby, so no objections from me!

---

Scene 2 - battle

Nova: behold a battle of giants! Protect the holy one!

Giants: Rawr!

(Sword elf raises sword, Borracho takes a drink and starts fighting with an ale in hand.)

Borracho: swipe swing swipe swing swipe

Nova: Yes continue the attack! The holy baby will be protected! By me! I feel myself grow stronger for every near death experience you have!

Sally (in sallyese) *kisses Nova gain*

Nova: Yes Sally this is our greatest victory!

Squeak: *squeak!* (starts looting)

Nova: that was only the first wave. We must press on.

Clover: m’lady? What if I hold the baby. So you could fight these monsters with your mountain punch? The famed punch that could destroy entire armies with a single blow that you told me about off stage?

Nova: “what nonsense you speak of Bard! I'm the most powerful warrior here! Therefore only I can be with the holy baby. So it has been written.

Clover: written? By who?

Nova: you of course. Why else are you here? You wouldn’t understand the sheer complexities of taking care of a ‘holy baby’, for it doesn’t even smile at your unworthy soul.

Clover: oh- yes m’lady. It's just... I'm the weakest member? My crossbow is made of paper. *show paper made crossbow* I felt I could be better at carrying instead- I know music to hide myself and the child-

Sally: *kisses Nova*

Nova: Sally says No. now is the time for battle not singing! So shut up and keep fighting!

Clover: but- my songs are magical and aid us in battle.

Nova: (continues kissing Sally ignoring clover.)

Clover glances around remnants of the battle. Nova and Sally are now fuss over baby.
Sword elf is playing with sword drunk human is drinking.

Clover: oh look a magic wand? Maybe I could use-

Squeak: *squeak!* mouse puts it in the bag.

Nova: You can't use that.

Clover: why not and- (pause) are you breastfeeding the holy child?

Nova:of course. She's hungry. Only the best for the holy one.

Clover: but… how? You're not it's mother! It's mother is a crocodile.. right?. That’s what you said.

Nova: I'm a monk with excellent control over every part of my body. Every part! I can express whatever whenever I want. Now get back to fighting.

Clover: this is nuts… is she serious?

Borracho: stop *hic* saying what you're thinking. You *hic* not even any good at fightin’. I'm drunk and killed ten.. Twenty… thirty.. six... giants.

Bobby the litch: hey she's a nice bard she’s just new.

Sally: *continues to kiss Nova*

Nova: Sally says you're clearly evil. It was your evil prophecy that made us hurt the baby. You prophesied it so it had to happen.

Clover; What prophecy? I just found a few books. I don’t write them!

Elf raises sword in flowing elven: “why am I surrounded by incompetence?”

Borracho: yeah elf guy agrees! Why are we adventuring with a lich anyway?

Bobby: I'm a good lich

Sally in sallyese: *kisses Nova*

Nova: no that's what we do with witches. We burn Witches dear.

Sally: *kisses her again*

Nova: The stake? No that’s witches again

Sally: *kisses her once more*

Nova: stake through heart? closer but that's vampires,

Sally *one more big kiss*

Nova: Yes., I know I know so much.(big hug with Sally)

Boracho: another *hic* attack! Ogres this time!

Nova: keep fighting while I do the important task of feeding -my- baby! Milk from my bosom takes precedence over fighting!

(Sounds of battle stage moves to forest)

Enter: Blindfolded woman. “Halt who goes there!*

Cover: Who are you- wow! (doges magical blast by falling down on the ground.*

Nova: (casually dodges them shifting left and right)

Blindfolded woman: My name is Zoolia! I am the famed blindfolded mage. I see all invisible creatures with the one of a kind relic: the kanzi shi (gestures to her blindfold), which also serves to reduce my magic spells by speaking it’s blessed name. Be you friend or foe?

Clover: Oh nice to meet you- ah! I’m on fire!” (was attacked by zoolia)

Nova; Ignore her, that happens a lot. Actually thank you for killing her. She’s very annoying. Far too distracting and rather rude.

Clover: Rude? I’m not rude!

Nova: yes you are. Croc god agrees, right Croc god?

Croc God picture at the top of the stage: (large booming voice) Croc-god agrees. The bard is rude…

Clover looks up at around a bit sadly. Well at least the mouse likes me. (pets mouse.)

Squeak: *squeak* Actually, I think you’re silly. You’re talking to a mouse. Silly woman.May crock god smite you. (Makes cute pose)

( lightning is thrown down upon clover in a puff of smoke.)

Zoolia: Hm. Is she dead now? Not that I give a shit.

Clover: (lots of dying noises.)

Nova: Yes, she’s dead. Put her in the bard box.

Clover (gets up): No! Not the bard box!

Nova: You’re dead. You go into the bard box. Where all self-inserted characters go to meet their just punishment for wasting this much time in the story.

Clover: Noooooo! (is placed in a coffin) Please don’t raise me from the dead! It’s the worst cliche ever!

Bobby runs hands gleefully: mmmm!

Nova: Well, maybe now we can finally make some progress. Great blindfolded mage Zoolia, will you join us in our quest to take the holy baby to the shrine?

Zoolia: Huh? Who goes there. I can’t see shit! (Bumps into bob) Kanzi shi! Kanzi Shi!

Litch bob: Because nothing here Is invisible? - AH I’m on fire! (runs around screaming after being attacked by Zoolia.)

Zoolia (bumps into another tree) Kanzi shi! (It’s now on fire) damn these non-invisible tree! Hmm… I guess there are no invisible creatures here- but what if there are? No, I must keep on my blindfold.

Boracho: I *hic* Like her already. She’s nuts. She’s perfect. A much better ally.

Sword elf raises sword and in flowing elf: I Hold a number of concerns about this situation-

Sally *kisses Nova*

Nova: It is agreed! Zoolia, famed blindfolded firemaker and kanzi shi! You will join us and lay waste to our many many invisible enemies.

Zoolia:(walks into a tree) Kanzi shi!(sets it on fire.) Ah, yes I’m happy to join-(hits another tree) you.(hits the bard box and sets it on fire again.) kanzi shi!

Clover: AAAaah! I couldn’t be in more pain!