A Land Far Away

Cassiel · Post by **Cassiel** » Wed Mar 21, 2007 1:29 am

I love Dan Savage. So much.

With nothing but time on my hands this week, I slipped out of the office and went to the movies. Have you seen 300 yet? It's about a handful of lightly armed ancient Greeks—the Spartans—who take on the mighty and massive Persian army. Some feel the film is homophobic; some feel it's a conservative, pro-war piece of agitprop.

Homophobic? It's Ann Coulter on a meth binge.

The Persian army is an armed gay-pride parade, a threat to all things decent and, er, Greek. The king of the Spartans—among the most notorious boy-fuckers in all of ancient history—dismisses Athenian Greeks as weak-willed "philosophers and boy lovers." The Persian emperor? An eight-foot-tall black drag queen—mascara, painted-on eyebrows, pink lip gloss. Emperor RuPaul is positively obsessed with men kneeling in front of him. Why gay up the Persians? So that straight boys in the theater can identify with the Spartan king and his 300 soldiers—all of whom appear to have been recruited from and outfitted by the International Male catalog.

What isn't up for debate is the film's politics. The only times the Persian army doesn't look like a gay-pride parade in hell, it looks like a crowd of madly chanting Islamic militants. And if the Spartan king has to break the Spartan law to defend Spartan freedoms? Well, sometimes a king's gotta do what a king's gotta do. Because, as the queen of Sparta points out, freedom isn't free. And, yes, she uses exactly those words. George Bush is going to blow a load in his pants when he sees this movie.

Stormseeker · Post by **Stormseeker** » Wed Mar 21, 2007 1:48 am

It was a all right movie with me. I would give it a B- or C+. No where near braveheart.

mxlm · Post by **mxlm** » Thu Mar 22, 2007 3:09 am

It kicked Braveheart's ass.
First of all, it was much more amusing. "They may take our lives...." is all well and good, but "freedom isn't free" is hysterically funny coming from a Spartan.
Second of all, the violence was guilt free; no disturbing imagery here, just ass-kickery, pure and simple. It lets you feel good about war. And really, don't we need to feel good about war? Goddamn right we do. It was like the Matrix crossed with Sin City, with a little Fucking Awesome thrown in for good measure.
Third, Leonidas was Chuck Norris on roids. Leonidas once punched through William Wallace and all his men to see who was coming down the road.
Fourth, wolf with glowing eyes
Fifth, hot women
Sixth, rhino
Seventh, Arabs using IEDs
Eighth, elephants falling off a cliff
Ninth, arrows blotting out the sun
Tenth, corpse walls
Eleventh, the hunchback of Notre Dame

Actually, I need to stop listing things; I'll get well into the hundreds. But yeah, it stomped William Wallace into the mud so hard he came out in the middle of the Pacific.

Stormseeker · Post by **Stormseeker** » Thu Mar 22, 2007 3:55 am

lol each his own, but this movie didnt move me one bit.

Holy_Rage · Post by **Holy_Rage** » Thu Mar 22, 2007 8:20 am

Cassiel wrote:What isn't up for debate is the film's politics. The only times the Persian army doesn't look like a gay-pride parade in hell, it looks like a crowd of madly chanting Islamic militants. And if the Spartan king has to break the Spartan law to defend Spartan freedoms? Well, sometimes a king's gotta do what a king's gotta do. Because, as the queen of Sparta points out, freedom isn't free. And, yes, she uses exactly those words. George Bush is going to blow a load in his pants when he sees this movie.

+10

And btw, I'm glad Hollywood finished making movies out of our myths. As a greek, I like the attention and even if 1 out of 1000 spectators will actually research the history behind the pwnage, then fine; yet I don't like to see such a hero of my country being turned into a neo-conservative puppy.

All things said though, movie is kickass, and L gives a crash course on how to RP a battle-frenzied blackguard. And to think that after this, those nasty m---fsckers lost to us Athenians

Rusty · Post by **Rusty** » Thu Mar 22, 2007 10:17 am

Heh, Sparta has no connection with modern Greece. Yer all a bunch of Bulghars, Huns, and Slavs.

This isn't Greece.

This is SPAAAARTAAAAAAAA!

Holy_Rage · Post by **Holy_Rage** » Thu Mar 22, 2007 11:11 am

Rusty wrote:Heh, Sparta has no connection with modern Greece. Yer all a bunch of Bulghars, Huns, and Slavs.

This isn't Greece.

This is SPAAAARTAAAAAAAA!

Ye r a jealous anglican heathen

indio · Post by **indio** » Thu Mar 22, 2007 11:33 am

Best skill bit: Leonidis subtly and effortlessly leaping 6 feet up to a new handhold on a cliff.

Funniest Leonidis bit: "Well, that could be a bit of a problem, " or maybe "We've been sharing our culture with you all morning."

Funniest Overall Line: "It's only an eye. God has seen fit to grant me a spare."

Best action bit: Any time the phalanx uses their shields in unison.

Best production device: Battle music...awesome.

Most overused technique: The farkin endless slow-mo.

Worst Dialogue:
Captain - "Earthquake!" (as the ground shakes)
Leonidis - "Battle formations."

Biggest disappointment: The captain does not meet anyone worthy of taking his life in battle, so he throws his shield away and skewers himself.

Should have been deleted scene: The kid from the massacred village.

Zakharra · Post by **Zakharra** » Thu Mar 22, 2007 1:32 pm

Aren't the Iranians mad at this movie for dissing their ancient Persian culture?

ThinkTank · Post by **ThinkTank** » Thu Mar 22, 2007 2:09 pm

How would you tell?

Swift · Post by **Swift** » Thu Mar 22, 2007 4:01 pm

Zakharra wrote:Aren't the Iranians mad at this movie for dissing their ancient Persian culture?

Aren't they just mad at the west full stop?

Mikayla · Post by **Mikayla** » Thu Mar 22, 2007 5:05 pm

You know, as I watched this, I could see how someone might turn it into a parable for the neo-cons of our time with the king breaking the law to go to war and the 'freedom is not free' bit but...

...the movie kicks major butt! I mean, DAMN those guys are hot. Well, except for Xerxes - drag queens don't do anything for me. But the Spartans? Wow. And the action? Awesome. And the queen? Double-awesome! So, you know, its a movie made from a comic-book - set aside the politics (I realize the Iranians are up in arms) and just see it for what it is - a beautiful, ultra-violent live action comic book with about as much political weight as it has historical accuracy. Its entertainment, and pretty good entertainment too. At least for me.

Twiggy · Post by **Twiggy** » Thu Mar 22, 2007 8:12 pm

+1 to Mik. More movies with uber, totally ripped warriors kicking ass plzkthx.

mxlm · Post by **mxlm** » Sat Mar 24, 2007 8:51 pm

http://www.exile.ru/2007-March-23/war_nerd.html

Valid points, all. But the movie still rocks.

Burt · Post by **Burt** » Sun Mar 25, 2007 2:53 am

Boobs. Fighting. Boobs.

Awesome.