Journal of a bard

[orangetree]

The Gods walk amongst us!

Do I have your attention, you who are reading these words? Do I fill you with dread? I want you to examine that sentence and feel every emotion possible. Fear, joy, tension, exhilaration, depression, satisfaction... un-worth?

I walk amongst gods and goddesses... though I am no priestess. Far.. very far from it. Give me a moment to explain it though there's a lot of things to get out of the way on my first entry.

My name is Camellia.. named after a flower of love, by a sunite priestess- my mother. I won't bore you too much with the trials and tribulations of my own life, it is quite boring. At the moment, with all the strange events I have seen- from a fair distance admittedly, I felt I could write a bit. Not that there is a lot to write about but I would be a pretty poor bard if I didn't try something. So feel free to skip if you just want to get to the interesting bits. You wont be missing anything.

I began my journey hoping to inspire and help where I could. Though it's quickly apparent that there is little need for one as my humble songs. I should have studied the arts better. They said my nature does not allow song for my soul is stained with evil- I didn't want to be anything other then a singer though and maybe it helped me to keep away from people in a strange way. Nobody would approach a stage, it was the fourth wall of reality. My invisible wall, where I could be anything I wanted to be and it was expected that I -should- be something else. I wonder if I should write about my adventures to my elder brother and sister... they would be happy to know I was out and about though only because the shame of their family might meet her end sooner rather then later.


I had attempted to help a dwarf find his brother lost in a mine. It was taken over by Goblins... and it went about as well as you could imagine short of death. I knew the world was dangerous but... I had no idea how hard it was to hit goblins, and how easy they could hit us. It wasn't a complete failure though, and the gold allowed me to buy a basic healing wand. Hopefully future encounters will be a little more safe.

I decided to travel to the moonshaes. I often think of my grandmother here, whom I saw in her final days. She was as radiant as ever and the kindest soul you could imagine. She encouraged me to take up singing and showed no distress on my.. deformities. She loved me unconditionally, unlike everyone else. I like to think she watches me here and that she will protect me again in my passing from this world. Yes I know it's grim, but I have to keep reminding myself that I live on borrowed time.

Well now, I suppose I best talk about the 'gods' I walk with. Who knows, maybe it will help me write a great song about them.

Toby: If he were a god, I would call him the God of Innocent corruption. He is an innocent boy, would be man, somewhat out of his depth at times and needs encouragement. His curious nature has taken him to some dark places from what little I have observed of him. He has powers and abilities well beyond any normal wizard and has an unhealthy fixation on Necromantic magic. I suspect a man as him as beheld many a tragedy and partly I can not blame him for his desires. I too have witnessed death and begged my grandmother to stay. I would have fought the angels that threatened to take her away... if I could. Anyway, the one thing none of these 'gods' can do, is control death... not to the extent they might wish. Yes, they crave power even more then they have... I can see it in all their actions. Toby is the only one that dares to challenge this particular mountain. It places me at odds... on the one hand, I do understand that knowledge in of itself is not evil- but if he raises the dead, such work is evil. (Believe me, I know evil, I see what it did to me in the mirror every day.) I respect his power though, and I often wonder if he acts the way he does to hide just how much power he holds.

Horatio: God of generosity and do gooder to helpless wanderers. Horatio is.. a real good guy. Dependable and a personality like a rock. It almost makes it a shame I can't write a lot about him. He deserves more then just a foot note, but I don't know a lot about him as he keeps a lot to himself. He helped me get a horse, which has been very useful in my journey delivering mail. He also helped me with a well balanced blade which I hope I never actually have to use. He got me out of Skaug following their... odd mission which is allowing me to write on this ship now. He's freeing a slave and... that's about it. I don't know what drives him, I suppose there must be a religious aspect to it. Not that I am complaining. I feel like I'm taking advantage of him sometimes. I'm sure he must have some great character flaw, everyone does.

Zova: Well- basically, she entered our lives and took over as leader due in no small part to her superior abilities. I offered her my friendship, though to be honest I fear being her enemy. People say she's a good lady but I have not heard any stories about her from the common folk which I consider a quality indicator of one's character. I will be gathering all I can about her now that I have seen her. I can not deny something about her unsettles me... perhaps I do fear her physical strength. I would call her parody character 'Would be Goddess of Crushing Wall fists.' The wall doesn't really say much, and often you're looking for the door just so you know where to run- not that you can run fast enough. She's told me she's fast enough to walk as fast as a horse runs. I suspect my greatest concern with her is that I don't know what truly matters to her, if anything. Toby I felt had sincere motives as leader despite his... corruption. That corruption made him feel human though, despite his great power he had trappings that made him mortal and it's a fear of death rather then a love for the undead that seems to drive him. Zova is.. un-corruptible and therefore slightly less human. This may well serve her well as a leader at first, but it will also make people distant as time goes on as I doubt many can be as 'great' as she is. She makes me uncomfortable given what I am, as a 'physically corrupted human'. How long do I have until she decides to purge me? It wouldn't even take a second. She wouldn't even have to touch me. I know her fighting style, she would just punch the air from across the room with her pinky finger and suddenly I have a heart attack. Maybe I am worried over nothing, but as long as I behave myself I guess I have nothing to fear. Fortunately, my life is -very- inconsequential and with zova around I best keep it that way.

Princess: Well, that's what Horatio calls her. She's got a hundred names and doesn't really want to give her real one. She constantly belittles me and treats me like a dog, speaking to me as one. She reminds me of those bullies I once encountered in the bard-school when they played 'pin the tail on the tiefling'. She was nicer to me when Horatio is around. Indeed we are on this ship together. Still let's try and give her a name... hm... 'The goddess of many fake names that is not worth worshipping but most probably will.'

Zova's girl. What was her name again? I don't know. She's Zova's shadow. If you try to talk to her she'll take it as an insult somehow. I know even less about her then Zova besides their relationship. Possibly a sycophant? I find her adorable in appearance.

Aglaril: A pretty elf. He makes it easy to track the group where I go, though now that I have pointed this out he'll probably take steps to change that. I'm not too sure what his interests are or what drives him. I know he's very powerful of course as they all are here. He seemed the most surprised that I would reveal my nature early to the group. His thoughts on the matter are guarded, but occasionally I do see him watching me. In a way it makes me relieved that he's so normal in that. A skilled fighter, and... well... he hasn't revealed much else to me yet. I doubt he will for a very long time, and I suspect by the time he remembers of that 'tiefling' I'd be dead a hundred years ago. Elves, you shouldn't try to matter to them.. nothing matters to them except the trees and other elves.

Right now, I am just looking at the sea as I journey to Corwell. They wish to take Toby to trial... something about all this feels off though and I suspect more is going on beneath the surface. I can not bend space as they can and time for me carries a slow, steady pace. A constant drudgery of seeking coin, walking, working, observing sunsets and sunrises.. all the while they shift and teleport, doing battles in the sea, the sky, the inner santums of lofty wizards... dangerous games are played by them and I can only see a tiny sample of it.

[Mikayla]

OK, I asked for replies to my journal, so I should offer my own to others (though OT, if you want your journal uninterrupted by comments, just let me know). So, the tone is great and it is well written, however, with the exception of Layla(Princess) and Aglaril, I think Camelia's summations of character are just about 180 degrees off, which, actually, is perfectly in keeping with Cam's character (and a big part of why Princess is mean to her). Thinking Toby is innocent, or believing Zova has no motive or questionable motives, or that all Horatio is about is generosity are ..um .. well .. lets just say I hope Cam lives long enough to learn otherwise. On the other hand, as the journal of a naïve ingénue type, its pretty much perfect.

This...

Princess: Well, that's what Horatio calls her. She's got a hundred names and doesn't really want to give her real one. She constantly belittles me and treats me like a dog, speaking to me as one. She reminds me of those bullies I once encountered in the bard-school when they played 'pin the tail on the tiefling'. She was nicer to me when Horatio is around. Indeed we are on this ship together. Still let's try and give her a name... hm... 'The goddess of many fake names that is not worth worshipping but most probably will.'

...was great however! Of course, no one on this crew, not even Layla, shows their TRUE colors at first meeting. I hope Cam sticks around long enough to dig deeper and see the real people behind the "gods".

[orangetree]

(I admit I'm not particularly pleased with my own journal if I am to comment on it myself. I know I don't really know the characters, but that's pretty in character. I've tried to go by what I might know from hearing about them which is limited in of itself.)

[Mikayla]

Actually that's perfect OT. Your PC doesn't know the others that well and so the journal reflects that lack of knowledge. It's perfect in that regard.

[Magile]

My PC and SSM's PC seem like villains.

[orangetree]

"Hello little fish.. this is how your story ends... as a dish"

... hmm the lyrics need work. I'm at the moment on a boat fishing. It seems I'm not too bad at it but anyone can get good by just waiting. Maybe fishing is deeper then I thought. I'm looking at the clear water becoming 'better' at fishing. Is that how one becomes a better adventure? Just set up the conditions, wait for the bite then pull!

So far I've caught four fish. Not bad... is it luck or skill? I just wait and wait... though for these fish it's the end of their story. What is the story of a fish...

"I saw food, I grabbed food but it was a trap and now I'm taken to a world of air I can not breathe... pulled by a force I can not understand for it lies beyond the boundary of my world. For a moment I glimpsed the world no fish may know... and paid for it. Still, that food was the best I ever tasted and was worth it!"

Fish stories eh? Maybe I'm more like a fish then I thought...

I have been trying to hear word of my brother in waterdeep. He's become a great knight I've been told. I'm very proud of him. My older sister has decided to take more after my- her father and follow the ways of Torm. I think it's a shame as she could do better. However it is her choice... the 'noble blood of family history...'

Truth is, I am worried. If my brother and sister die in battle then it would be me that's left. The legacy would die with me... my mothers husband often spoke how unworthy I was to have their blood in my demon veins. His words, though unsettling is true. Our family did have a strong and proud history in battling great evil... there was even a prophetic selunite 200 years ago that said our family would one day be instrumental in the fight, but... all that is in ruins with my existence.

I caused my parents to split and my half sieblings have taken up arms. They can not kill me, but will purge all the evil in a great crusade. In their minds they will get get to me if and when I'm the last one left...

My father- my mothers husband is honourbound not to cause me harm...

Being a tiefling is... lonely. Much of the world has you on a course towards inevitable distruction. For a tiefling there is only one story, just like for these fish. I will grab hold of something and it just might kill me. I might glimpse at something wonderous then be devoured.

I think that's why I like to watch and live in the stories of others. My own story is a tradgedy while others experience greatness. With them I can be someone else for a while... I could become them...

I hope Toby is okay. I'm unsure what the groups plan is for him. At least he's too valuable to be killed. Here's to hoping I get in that position soon. Damn it, I need to find my place soon.

[orangetree]

The groups dynamics continue to change. I'm buffeted by eddies and currents, sudden sharp new additions that make me feel ever smaller.

It was so much... easier in a way when it was just me and Toby, with his immediate allies. Toby made me feel welcome... made me think I could do anything really. The temple was a bit reluctant to let me go, but given I was to be in the care of a great wizard of his reputation it wasn't so bad.

I miss the days when Toby was in charge. He always made me feel happy and safe... my life really could mean something.

Instead we have the Unknown Zova... and now the Unknown Belle. Its... strange and odd. They called me the Unknown, with Belle suggesting I was a potential threat- yet I'm forced to remember who was around 'first'. Despite my lack of ability I have researched and worked tirelessly along with Toby's own research. The odd wizard... made me feel welcome. Is it so wrong? That I was inspired by a man others condemn as evil? Maybe that was his plan... if I was even more suspicious maybe he knew he would be found out and desired company... my humble works have now been pushed aside... as has his...

The suspicious thought... is that this is how heroes work? They sense a battle is drawing to a close, then jump to the end and say it was all them. I write the story and none would know I was there...

Belle suggested I am just like Toby. While there is one slight similarity... I'm not one to raise the dead. My desire to help is genuine. They say the others are more genuine heroes because they have actually been heroic in their past while I hold no notable history. Those like myself, never got a chance to shine... The very attempt feels as a curse

Belle is a new... old halfling. I'm cautious of the smaller race. I know as bad as humans are, halflings can be just as driven to destroy all that is evil. They are tremendous allies not to be underestimated... I most certainly don't underestimate the harm they would do were I to be found out in their enclaves.

Belle will certainly be a helpful and admittedly powerful ally. She is part of the old guard and seems to trust Zova. Again the more that come, the further I slip from the circle of consequence.

The halfling has made it clear that if a mob decides to tear me apart, she will take no action and watch the show. I hope my corpse does not taint the Blessed Earth so I will ask my body be burned afterwards- just not while I'm alive. I guess one doesn't become powerful without learning when to cut ties at the worst moment- still I'm oblidged to help and see what comes next.

It's... humbling to watch others... seeing true friendship and even love blossom. One finds it in the strangest of places it seems. I have often wondered if I could join a circle as an equal. However, who would love Evil? Only another being of Evil.. gods why? Why must I suffer.. haven't I proven enough just by struggling to try? Why can only an actual good deed count?

I felt .. a strange sense of peace with the child the others found. It was... a nice feeling. It reminded me of... well... that brief moment when you are slowly waking up. A curious sense of oneness where my struggles were both aknowkedged, respected both mattering and yet.. not martering. Not in a bad way... I felt... peaceful. It was a nice feeling and part of me longs to hold it forever. However such an action would be the most selfish action in history and no part of my human blood can justify it. The cruel demon in me whispers I should.. indulge and 'take' peace away if that is what I most desire... I never let those voices win... never... never...

The feeling of peace is now a memory. A good memory even if I can not experience it without external aid. Maybe one day... I could? In some wonderous dream where I am free...

I made... a terrible error. I revealed my nature to one that had not been fully accepted as trusted. It was a mistake and I shamed myself as well as spurned the trust of those I try to earn respect from. It was a mistake... I can't admit it though. My time here might be over and I'll have to move to another land. How far can I go eastwards...

It's true anyone can carry a symbol of a god goddess... I'm true though! Am I not? Grandmother if you could give me a sign from heaven please I beg you... I might need a divine miracle. You are my only hope. Please...

[orangetree]

I saw a unicorn.. which means one of two things... I'm being beckoned to the after life as my time here grows short.. or... I'm being encouraged to keep trying.

I fear it was the former, as I have now died. Not in a physical sense, but close to it. I might as well be dead. Hope is replaced by despair and the wish to adventure... well... it's still there but... maybe I have had to consider a dose of realism.

My executioner took me aside, away from prying eyes. A place over looking the forests. I sensed the danger.. being alone with someone in a quiet place. At this point I wished I had been alone with Toby, his awkward advances would have been more welcome then this.

We spoke of my faults, and I couldn't help but feel I was on trial. It's likely he was acting on his own, or... Zova sent him- it wouldn't have been Toby. Would it? He said no, and that Toby wouldn't be able to scry him due to the power of these stones... but he could scry me. Such power they hold, it still boggles my mind. The threat though... what was the implication? That I was being watched while he was not? Was that to take away hope of... Toby finding me?

Grim feelings overtook me as I understood what was happening; my value to their mission was being audited. The results an assessment made by somone who was all of judge, jury and executioner.

On the charge of inability to keep a secret: Guilty. Confessed. Attempted to mitigate it due to some circumstances

I sat down during the trial, considering my options. I eyed the glowing sword, wondering if I would feel any pain. Gods know as I admitted it, I was... and still am afraid. I was shaking. I enquirered if the sleep spell would affect him, and relieved to hear it would not. So, if I wanted to I could cast the spell of sleep and hopefully sucumb to it, thereby being executed while unconscious...

But that would be as bad as suicide wouldn't it?

I tried to find some peace with the gods... how could I justify that I couldn't even face death awake? Some hero that would be. I reluctantly realised I had no choice but to fight.

My executioner probably expected that too. He knew I was one of the damned after all. The power was all his, and I admitted I was nobody when he asked who I was. It broke me to admit it. I gave my name but much like a symbol what did it matter? I carried a name like I carry an amulet... like I hold a sword.

I attempted a few tricks- all of which he was immune to. Despair latched onto me... I was fighting an inhuman machine. Walls closed in and he seemed to make a game of it. I tried to use every technique I knew even employing magic to grant me- albeit temporarily- a minor enchanted blade of my own. Though it didn't shine as his, it did cut slightly, though once more I was backhanded.

"You have some skill with the blade but you are no warrior. If you use your sword you will lose.."

I wonder how a warrior would have fared against the likes of him! This was Slaughter. The lesson... that I am not equipped or able to help the goddess.. what was I thinking! Believing I could help when I can't even strike anything...

Every bard has a bag of tricks. Things... that might help keep us safe. Mostly whatever we can either find, or afford to buy. I was running out of my fighting tricks and just had one last roll of the dice. 'He can't hit what he can't see...' maybe. I grabbed a potion of invisibility, turning and running fearful that the game was now over and the real kill will take center stage.

I made it to port... eventually. Physically I'm fine, emotionally and mentally dead. I live on though, and calmly booked passage away from the isle of my grandmother.

Perhaps that's why she was there... to say goodbye to me. I just couldn't cut it. There is... no shame to admit one lacks the skills right? No shame to be so useless... yes, I know he could have killed me. He let me go, he made his point.

Maybe I should concentrate on theatre work and the arts. The sword is heavier in my hand now, more so then ever. I dared to adventure as my grandmother asked but... I failed.

He said only on a good day, might I be occasionally be called 'hero'.. other days I'll be called useless, or fiend. It's true... I can't deny that. Though it would have to be an exceptionally good day to be called a hero.

... part of me wonders what caused it. Toby said he would talk to them and help me... Instead I'm now an outcast, running in fear of my life, broken. My executioner even brought my grandmother into it.. suggesting her belief in me is a lie... either I'm a liar or my grandmother is. I'm not a liar though...

Pens shaking a bit. Struggling to think on what to do next. Just got to hide for a while, lay low. They will be happier without me... I'll be sad without them. That's fine though. Just got to find something to make me happy when I get to my next destination. At least I'm alive, and the feelings will subside.

[Mikayla]

You know OT, if you used this event right, this could be the "death" of the old, insecure Camelia, and the birth of a new, harder, tougher, more confident Camelia. Which, I believe, is exactly what Ith/Aglaril was trying to accomplish (because if Ith/Aggie ACTUALLY wanted Cam dead, then Cam would be dead).

[vergin_sacrifice]

Your writing is good. Your skill at turning a phrase and painting a picture is good. Cam is seriously in need of some calming drugs. That, or she's been toking a bit too much of the devilweed like H, made you paranoid seeking threats in every kind gesture.

There is so much to build on, if you are willing to see it. Otherwise, Cam will always be a victim.

[Ithildur]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uk280jVuH1w

so much for that idea ... at least she had the invisibility part down.

Was really looking forward to helping Cam be the unexpected heroine/difference maker in key situations.

[orangetree]

"Wake up..."

...

"Wake up!"

I gasped in the darkness. Something felt strange. It was like i was in a half dream state. "Who's there!"

In my horror I saw a strange creature. It had wings of leather, and claws. Red hair, glowing eyes. She approached me, ringing her hands across my neck.

"Can't ... breathe" I held against her arms.. red hot skin and her horns curled in a similar way to my own. "..stop..."

"Oh we are only just getting started my dear. You know who I am? You know what I am!" She picked me up like a rag doll and threw me across the room. She approached again with those glowing eyes. "I'm what the elf tried to awaken. Guess what? He succeeded... I am the success to your failures. I'm the answer to your questions. I'm the strength to your weakness!" She edged closer. "I'm what your friends will like more..."

She grappled me but this time I was embraced.. her lips on mine... I struggled to get free. "No- you're not real! You're just a thought in my head. From my over active- imagination." It wasn't real I knew it wasn't.

The demon kissed me again and beated her wings. "You're a bard, bringing life to all you imagine. Did you honestly think you could avoid me by playing music? Foolish mortal! I corrupt EVERYTHING you do! The music you play, the touch of your skin, the very air you breathe out is toxic! I corrupt the plants existing in you..."

I struggled somehow squirming my way out of her reach. Her wings enclosed around my body instead. "I .. I can't let you out..."

The demon smiled. "This is not a fight you can win dear. In some ways you already lost."

I was besieged by pain. It cut across me. "Urgh!"

"Feel that? It's just a memory. A memory of everything that hurt you. Goblins, wolves, people... every suspicion every fear..."

I gasped enduring it. "I felt that once.."

"Yes... now feel the pain of others. Of everyone YOU hurt!"

I was shocked. Suddenly like small needles inside my head just exploded. I felt myself go limp.

The demon held me up by the neck. "I take pleasure in such... you weaken before it... you are weak Cammellia! I am disgusted my blood flows in the body of a gutless dredgeling."

I closed my eyes. "Then.., why... haven't you taken over?"

The demon paused.

I felt myself renewed. "You can't... despite everything you can't..."

The demon flapped her wings. "Not at this moment. However... I am awake, and I'm the part you need.. do you think you can do what comes next without me? I have no desire to die either." She pointed a talon at me. "Take a piece of me... one small piece... it will not corrupt you- any more then you might wish it... just allow me to give you a feeling of purpose... I will believe in us. We do not need them.. we never have. Hurting people can even feel... good. You don't have to suffer it... enjoy it... relish in it... be what you are... " she locked her horns to mine.

I felt myself grow still..

"One small piece will satisfy them.. your friends will see you renewed.. confident.. battle hardened.. awakened...you like Aglaril don't you? Don't you want to make him happy?"

I closed my eyes again. "Yes.. but not by you." Suddenly I felt my horns change and recede.

The demon raged "what sorcery is this!"

As my horns shifted a new one grew on my forehead. Long and single, a unicorns horn. "A bard's dream. I have power here..." I started to sing. "Cast away this evil spawn, wrapped in chains of iron"

A sigil appeared.. a pentagram. The demon was held fast. "Cam! You are making a mistake. I'm the best friend you could ever have! You will kill us both!"

"Bind this evil and cast it down... let it never be found..."

"They know me! Your friends see me inside you! You will cause their suffering!"

"Silence of the forest... I am a fey child..,"

---
I woke up...

[orangetree]

(I did appreciate aglaril's effort but- he might have come off a tad strong? Just a bit...

Hoping my addition here will give a little Insight into things, though it doesn't really form a 'journal entry'

I'll work on the characters growth more. Sorry, been an emotional rollercoaster.

[orangetree]

Well, time for another journal entry.

I wonder who will read any of this. I imagine the journal will be burned with my body at some point in the future. From what I've been able to read on the deaths of previous adventurers, death by fireball seems to be the spell that kills those like me most. Besides that, we have death by sneaking monsters, death by wolves, death by allies and my favourite- death by grabbing your heart and stopping it from beating; a technique used by the undead.

There are lots of ways to die on faerun, is there any way to live? I suppose that's why the majority of sentient people have such degrees of faith in the gods. We need to believe in something, even someone like me has to. Otherwise I suppose there is no reason to get up.

I am.. uncomfortable in writing about faith. I often try to forget about my relationship to the gods, given I carry the blood of.. the opposite of divine. .. It... depresses me I will admit, that I feel like faith for me comes and goes. There are days when I feel I am one with my gods and they are watching over me. Then I get a crashing realisation that I fear I am only kidding myself. Still...

… I think... I beheld a vision.

Is it okay if I was a bit scared by it? A bit.. fearful.. even know just writing about it, I grow weary with a touch of both dread and excitement. Would the divine really visit me... even if I am... well... just me? Maybe it was only a dream, a dream telling me what I wanted to hear? What I wished I could hear.. but if it was real? I can only be truthful. Do I really have a fate? If so, it would appear my fate is entwined with the others in some way. I think... maybe, my time on this world is shorter then I imagined, and I must now prepare for my fate.

To this end, I have submitted various plays and scripts to the theatre of Silverymoon. I will have to be anonymous of course, but at least 'something' of me will exist forever. Who knows, perhaps some scholar will come across my works and say I was at least.. passable. They might even recover my name. Well- one can dream anyway.

I've written a few brief letters to my family. I rather they didn't worry, so I just explain that I'm doing a job delivering letters, and when I can learn and follow adventuring parties as they deal with monsters and threats to the isles. I also did some mail delivery in the silver marches. A slightly more dangerous activity with orcs and wolves on our tail often. It's not a route I hope to do regularly. Still, the gold was reasonable and I was able to afford a new healing potion out of it.

Toby managed to make me very uncomfortable today. I had a quiet word with him, explaining that... under no circumstances was I to be raised as an undead. He didn't agree... I'm not even sure if his response was directed at me or.. not. The response was a kind of half hearted 'we will see'. I hope my request was not unreasonable. Has he taken my defence of him as an invitation to … turn me? I feel greatly disturbed. What have I gotten myself into? I tried to be nice to the wizard.. I tried to see beyond his .. curious desires and treat him as a human being. I was told that he had used the same line on me as he had on others too. He told others that they too could be heroes, and be of great use to the cause...

… was everything I have tried to do built on a lie? Am I here based solely because of my infatuation with a powerful wizard and wish to believe... believe everything he told me. That I- . . . …

So.. maybe that's the truth. They wouldn't make up such a lie would they? I can't see anything they would gain from telling me this. I.. I so badly wanted to believe I had met a powerful wizard.. I wanted to believe his honeyed words that I could be a great hero to the realm if I worked with him. I wanted to believe I had made a friend who had taken me in, and saw me for who I was and not my horns.

.. I .. am just wrong about everyone. Everyone and everything. He wanted me, because he knew something like me on the battle field is a fragile thing. He wanted to raise my corpse as an undead to sleep with me. That's his motivation. I deny him my body in life, so he will wait until I suffer an accident, raise my corpse then- …

… I need to find a way to prevent such a thing from happening. Is there some way to protect my body from being raised after it has expired? Planning for my own death isn't exactly healthy, but I won't allow this. I can't! How am I supposed to protect my body if I'm not even there? I will have to ask the priests if there is something they can do. Perhaps some form of warding that works even after the soul has departed. Damn me for believing in... him.

From what I have learned, Toby is a follower of Oghma. Given knowledge is his only goal.. I suppose Toby will definitely be in his books regardless of his actions. He has learned of great secrets even if they have corrupted him and taken him to these strange notions. I find it.. a bit unfair. How can one commit such vile deeds, but still go to a reasonably strong god for it? There is no justice!

I will..admit... I need to work on the tenants of my goddess. I don't honestly know how others have come to their religions. Perhaps they found something they were good at all the time, then chose to align themselves with that god? If only such a path could work for me. The truth is, if I had followed that path I would probably be a Sharan by now. I could be very good at losing hope, except that I don't desire the end of all things. I could be a follower of the hell-king Asmodius as that's pretty easy to do. I might have got a strong position in a temple just by blood alone.

I chose a religion based on what I wanted to be like; someone who makes great friends and has daring adventures. I wanted to right the wrongs of the world and to better myself. Lurue, daughter of selune and.. yes, she has a horn just like me. I'm not.. very good at that religion but I am trying so hard to be. Though of course, effort isn't enough, only results. Have I condemned myself doubly by choosing such a hard religion? I'm no good at making friends, and I certainly lack the power to right any wrongs. She is often one associated with outcasts, so at least I have that covered.

I decided to read up on selune. They are said to be patient, and understanding of others, always willing to offer a healing hand... sounds good doesn't it? However, that is also at odds with their desire for self-reliance. How so? Heal a person and they never learn, let them feel pain and they will become self-sufficient or die. Is that the way of selune? It must be, given what I have experienced of their ilk thus far. They are truly mothers of this land.. painful lessons, and ultimately you have to love them as they gave you life. They will shun you at a moment's notice. There is no kindness to be had in this goddess. I will never trust them.

I don't know what the relationship of the others are to the divine. Aglaril must worship some.. elven god I presume. He looks a lot like I imagined Corellon himself would look like. Indeed, I woudn't be surprised if he turned out to be His avatar. I have read what I can on the Selderine, though elven writings are very hard to work out. He has a thing against cowardice.. running away from foes. It makes me think about the test Aglaril gave me, and the fact that I failed. I did run... should I have died trying to fight? Would that have impressed him more.. he wouldn't have killed me, I know that now but.. if I had shown him I was willing to die, would that have impressed him enough for us to be friends? It might have impressed him.. I don't know. What's done is done though. Maybe I can still earn his trust if I can find some courage. Before the next battle, I'll drink a mead... that might help. I'm told it does.

Balkr appears to follow the Earthmother. Seems.. odd, I mean I don't picture him in that sort of way. However he appears to be truly faithful. I don't sense any deceit in him. Sometimes I feel like I can even feel Her power within him. I feel like I can trust him, though I don't know if he feels he can trust me much.

I have no idea what faith Horatio has. He seems to be a sailor type.. good natured.. perhaps a follower of Tymora? No... that doesn't feel right, he makes his own luck. He knows himself.. he's.. just very settled and seems to know everything... a death god?

Then of course there is me. I know I don't follow my own faith very well. My excuse is that I'm quite new to it, and trying hard...

I know I shouldn't write about faith. It's a personal thing for everyone. Gods just us, damn us.. and our souls go onto other journeys, everything is just set in motion from when we are born. We have to make a peace with that somehow. I wonder how many of us are truly faithful, and how many are not... I get the feeling a lot of people here take the gods for granted. They don't feel they have to work as hard.. faith is given to them as their birthrights. Such is not the case for me... never has been, never will be- well- not the faith I desire anyway. We'll see if my struggles ever merit anything... but when I stand before the God of Judgement I will.. well... I want to say stand with pride, but I don't know if I can. I don't know if I dare meet his gaze... the idea of torment forever fills me with dread and.. I wish.. if I had one wish... it was that the gods had more humanity in them then... humanity.

[orangetree]

Today, I would like to write about something a bit more uplifting. Though I don't really know what will come of it.

I think I had made a new friend. An elven girl, by name of Talaedra. Well- the truth is, I had met her earlier at Belle's shop. In some ways my interaction with her has served as a catalyst for recent events... none of which was her own fault, but purely mine. Still... given how bad our initial meeting was, perhaps it has yielded a deeper friendship then could otherwise be possible? Or... am I just being wishful again...

You see, I had revealed my secret to her.

Yes- well- I guess I have been a bit careless. Very careless. It's been so... relaxing, with adventuring folk being mostly fine with what I am. I suppose they have to deal with half-orcs, drow.. a tiefling must be pretty easy by comparison. .. . (I hate that name... 'tiefling'. I'm mostly human for goodness sake... whoever came up with it! It sounds so.. demonising.)

After I revealed myself, there was chaos... Belle feared she would lose her shop and of course my new allies didn't think much of me after I had been so careless. I had been tested by the sword, and utterly failed at it declared as an unworthy warrior ill suited for the blade. My only excuse was that I thought she was one of us. I had... good reasons to think she was joining us. She looked capable, and I think a strong ally. More then that though, there was a warmth from her that I personally enjoyed- even if it grew cold after she found what I was. She just honestly seemed so nice...

I rather not dwell on what happened with the group. Let's focus on the nice thing. Talaedra is.. well.. we spoke again and wanted to start fresh. Her initial reaction was quite reasonable though and I find we now have a lot in common. We both feel... a need to be of use, a place to be... some meaning in our lives? She mentioned the Llewyrr and how she feels she has no place amongst them. She was attempting to divine her next path watching the ships. It's a similar story of my own. We're both in a race of our lives, seeing those ahead of us... trying to catch up... For the moment we are running together. Given a few months though, I'm sure she'll be ahead of me... though I think I can be happy to see her fly away. Will she remember me when she enters those circles of friendships, and all they have to offer... or will she pretend she never knew me?

Making friends is... really hard, when you have so little to offer. I gave her a cloak that blocks sound attacks. Probably the most useless piece of cloth in existence as I have rarely heard someone use sound as an attack... but it was all I had to offer, and she didn't want any of my gold. She's a prideful girl- and well- so am I, I suppose. I didn't mention where the cloak came from... a bit of tomb robbing. We had found a small hoard in a tomb... and while there was a quick moral debate, the truth was very simple; a break doesn't come often for those like us... take advantage of it. So I said my prayers to the dead, and took -everything- I could carry for my pack. If for no other reason, then it might keep them alive for longer. The truth is, if I had left it.. it would have been a selfish decision. I could probably cope without those items, could the companions I was with do the same? Though I was not their leader 'officially', I had to ... make the choice. I found those items... and they did object- for religious reasons. Would they hate me afterwards? I had to risk it... for them. I wanted to do it for them. I took it from those dead bodies and gave them to the living, in the hopes it would serve them better. I am.. so sorry to whatever soldier was there, and hope they can forgive me. I thank them for this chance of course. They will save lives one day.. I am certain.

I like Tal. She's the most unremarkable person I've met on these islands so far besides myself. I fear that.. to become someone of note, of course she can't be friends with me in the long term though. It's just the way the world works. I hope to see more of her.

I've been thinking on Toby too. I know his past... and... I know I feel unsettled by it. I even feared he would turn me into an undead- unfounded fears, I know that now. He was.. distracted. I shouldn't pose such serious questions when in a dangerous situation, and I forget how much concentration is needed for the spells he employs. He seems to have become a bit better. Could it be he is renouncing his necromantic arts? I hope so.. I'm trying to decide how much I can really trust him. I know I had an.. infatuation with him, as Horatio described it. I can't deny it, I liked him. Though what he has done in the past... that's... pretty damn grim. Still... its true I wouldn't be here if not for him. Though.. does he honestly want me around any more? Do I really add anything? I do want to try.

I've decided to research history in the mean time. Pouring over what tombs I can, seeking knowledge in events- real events this time. Perhaps I can find out more about these stones. It's a shame, I had wanted to explore learning more about the other planes, probably even my own tiefling ancestry though our immediate needs require a greater deeper knowledge. I fear history will not help though, perhaps nothing of these stones are written in the past.

Belle said a hat works well for me. I didn't really like the one Horatio gave though. It's a bit... odd. It so big it looks like I'm trying to hide a pair of rabbit ears. Though it does hide my ears better... I have updated my wardrobe to try and work with what I have, taking lessons from my mother in this. The sunites sure know how to hide blemishes by drawing the eye. I know they would insist on showing a little more skin but... I really could do without that attention.

Days are quiet... just waiting to see what the next walk in the world will be like, while I work on my stories and plays. Maybe I should try writing a poem on nature, that always soothes me.