The Lutist of Lurkwood (a play)

[Ladellon]

*Begor walks to the front of the stage and addresses the audience*

As always, welcome ladies and gents to the delightful Fochlucan theater for tonight’s production of the Lutist of Lurkwood.

A bit of sad news. Unfortunately, we had to sack the set designer earlier this evening for not getting the work done on time.

*pauses*

Its okay, though, he didn’t make a scene.

On a happier note *grins* you’ll want to stick around after the show. We have a door prize for someone in the audience. I hope it is . . . . you! *covers his eyes and points to a random section*

I want to thank one of our sponsors this evening . . . Mornbright’s Clothiers, who have graciously provided the costumes for the cast. What better way to show our support of their support than with a song, eh.

*clears throat and begins to sing*

When I see such abusive sights
As actors in amusive tights
I want to give exclusive rights
To Mornbright’s . . .
For all our troupe’s couture needs.

Kind Sarah greets you as you enter
She’s the haberdash presenter.
Viktor’s needlework’s impressive,
Making outfits quite expressive.
Helen, though, throughout your visit
Makes you feel so grand, so sublime . . .
*sighs*
. . . so exquisite.

Their tailoring is all the rage
In studio or on the stage.
It’s clear we’re in the Golden Age
of Mornbright’s . . .
Stop in for all your couture needs.

*speaking again*

Thank you, Helen. *peers into the audience and waves*

And now, I would like to introduce the players for this evening.

I will be playing Gruk, a disaffected orc, longing to discover his purpose in life.

Miss Ash will play Darci, a lovely farmer, working hard to till the land.

Gruush will be playing Rogrog, an orc ruffian. Oooh, watch out for him.

Mr. Olivus will be playing a special role, which you will discover as the show progresses.

Finally, I cannot forget to bring out Bitty. *whistles* He will be playing, well, a bear. He had a standout audition, trust me.

*motions for them all to bow and then go back behind the trees*

*as the actors get into their places, Begor turns back to the audience*

We begin our show deep in the forest of Lurkwood, in a clearing. Gruk is gathering flowers and there is a bear nearby.



SCENE ONE – (forest clearing)

*Gruk strides into a glade and over to a patch of flowers, smelling their aroma*

*a bear is shuffling nearby and Gruk strokes it gently as he sings in a peaceful tone*

What beauty from the forest springs
And I, myself,
How secretly I pride myself,
I myself am quite in love with all the beautiful things.
Which leaves me facing an undeniable fact
That in order to attract
The type of beauty that I obviously lack
I’m in dire need of an immediate act . . .
Of evolution.
What I need is a solution.

*sighs and changes his tone to resigned yet hopeful*

We orcs are sure ugly, true.
We’re not the type that you cuddly up snugly to.
And it’s rather apparent
Our ugliness is proven to be mostly inherent –
Meaning I get some from each parent.
Oh, there are limitations
For ugliness in most social situations
Can be very shocking, see,
And doesn’t exactly bring the ladies flocking to me
Unless, of course, they are all mocking me.

But if I were handsome
Then it wouldn’t take a king’s ransom
To attract elegant creatures,
The types with fine-looking features,
Fine-looking features that I adore.
Oh, I want more!

More than the options that I have to chose from.
For if I were forced to chose from
The orc women right here in this slum
I’d chose to remain alone forever more.
But, if I were attractive
Then folks wouldn’t be so reactive.
When they look upon my expression
They won’t fall into depression
And perhaps they’d learn to adore . . . me.
Oh, I want more!

More than the life I’ve been handed,
With beauty I think, single-handed,
In a ten day I’m sure I’ll have landed
A beautiful creature
With beautiful features
And I won’t remain alone forever more . . .
Oh, wouldn’t it be grand, chum,
Instead of this repugnant form
Would that I could transform
And simply be handsome?
Oh, I waaaaant . . . . moooooore.

*as Gruk raises his head upward to finish the song, a crash nearby cuts him short and an orc bursts through the trees into the glade*

*The bear scampers into the woods*

*the orc notices Gruk by the flowers and struts over*

[ROGROG] I hear you right, Gruk? You want more, eh? *he laughs*

*Gruk laughs nervously and kicks at the flowers, but just misses them*

[GRUK] Clean your ears, swill for brains, I was saying . . . I want gore!

[ROGROG] *looks suspiciously at Gruk, then slaps him on the chest*
Har, har. Gruk, you make a good orc yet.
Say, we gonna bash trees with rocks.
You wanna come?
Maybe we find bear and bash it too. *laughs*

[GRUK] *steps back slightly* Uh, I don’t know, Rogrog.

[ROGROG] *looks incredulous* Wha? It great fun.
It orc fun.
Gruk, you need stop walk and talk like elf . . . be more like orc.

*Rogrog sings*

When you’re an orc
You’re an orc all the way
from your first taste of pork
To your last dyin’ day.
Oh, when you’re an orc
Sure, you’re not a heartthrob
But you got brothers around
To help you form a mob.

And you’re never alone!
You’re never solo fighting!
You’re home with your own
When there’s a foe sighting
And battle is inviting!
Then you are made
With a capital O
Never will your name fade
You can never let go.
When you’re an orc
You stay an orc!

When you’re an orc
You’re the top form around
You’re the blood-drenched guy
That no one can take down!
When you’re an orc
you do not have a care.
Human boys run away
Human men simply stare.
The orcs will prepare.
Our anvils mustn’t tarry.
The elves we’ll ensnare
‘cause every one we’ll bury
Is a lousy ferry!

Here come the orcs
Like a wyrm’s fiery breath.
Someone gets in our way
Someone will reek of death.
Here come the orcs
All you dwarves step aside
Better go in your caves,
Better run, better hide.

We’re drawing the line
‘cause we’ve no time for duelin’
We’re hanging a sign,
Saying “Kill whoever’s droolin’
And we ain’t foolin’
Here come the orcs
Yeah and we’re just as good
As every last blasted clan
In the whole of Lurkwood
In the whole dreaded, blood-soaked, Lurkwood.

*he laughs and walks off, stamping on the flowers*

*Gruk shouts after the departing orc*

[GRUK] I’ll catch up, Rogrog.

*he gathers a bouquet of flowers and walks off in the opposite direction*



SCENE TWO – (small farm in the forest)

*a beautiful woman is hoeing in a neatly tended garden*

*she leans on her hoe and looks dreamily to the sky*

*she sighs and begins to sing*

[DARCI] I’m still out looking for you,
Planning on booking our gleeful debut.
But it’s becoming clear
I might grow old before you appear
And yet I intend to persevere.

*waggles her finger in mock disapproval*

Oh, by everyone’s calculations
I should be escorted in social situations
By suitors I’d rather just flee –
Men twice my age who come flocking to me –
Just imagine how gloomy and dreary I’d be.

You needn’t be handsome.
Certainly I am able to stand some
Features that fall short of perfection.
For I will have no objection
As long as you only care . . . for me.
Oh, are you out there . . . for me?

Save me from the options I have to chose from
For if I were forced to become
Some brute’s wife and live under his thumb
I’d chose to remain alone forever more.
You needn’t be attractive.
Just not completely unattractive.
In fact, I’ll make a confession –
Your utter obsession
Is all that I’d care for . . . for me.
Oh, are you out there . . . for me?

*Gruk is watching her from behind some shrubs and he sings quietly to himself as the woman dances in the garden*

[GRUK] Oh, if I were less revolting
Then she wouldn’t feel like bolting.
Should I reveal myself to her?
No, I am quite certain, quite sure
I’d not be the one that she could adore . . .
She’d want more.

*the woman hears Gruk rustling in the bushes and calls out in his direction*

*Darci holds up hoe defensively*

[DARCI] Who is out there?
I’m not afraid.
You saw what I did to that turnip.

*a bear shuffles out of the woods and Darci initially looks disappointed*

*Gruk then tosses his bouquet of flowers and sings louder, still hiding*

[GRUK] I’d never think of harming you.
I only dream of charming you
And take up turnip farming, too,
If that is what I have to do
To have you see the person deep inside I truly am.

*Darci lowers the hoe and perks up as she scoops up the flowers*

[DARCI] Ah, my forest visitor, you have come again.
This is . . . *counts on fingers* . . . the third time.
When will I finally get to see you?

*singing*

Although I’ve often pondered your appearance
It’s really been your constant perseverance
That keeps me hoping you’ll return.
I wonder only when will I earn
The right to see the person you truly are deep inside?
But I do long for you to show yourself.
*speaking to herself* are you a comely man or perhaps a stunning elf?

[GRUK] It is not time.
The time will come soon.
I must go, but I will return.

*as Gruk walks away, Darci sings happily to herself while dancing with the hoe*

[DARCI] Though I’ve not seen your features
I don’t think ugly creatures
Could speak and sing so tenderly.
Guess who will soon surrender? Me.
For I believe you only care . . . for me.
And now I know you’re out there . . . for me.

*she sighs again, fluttering her eyes, and absent-mindedly hoes a turnip to bits*



SCENE THREE – (forest clearing)

*Rogrog is standing by a fire*

*he notices Gruk and motions him over*

[ROGROG] Hey, Gruk. Get here.

*Gruk sighs, rolls his eyes and walks toward the fire*

[GRUK] I thought you were going to bash . . . er, stuff?

[ROGROG] Of course we bash stuff. We orcs.

*he conks a nearby orc on the head*

We come back to decide on mates.
We don wanna wait long or maybe get stuck with pretty orc.
Dat come with other problems, eh.

*he beats his chest and sings*

If you wanna be happy and stay out late
Never take a pretty orc for your mate.
So for my personal point of view
Take an ugly orc to bed with you.

*he pushes an orc into the fire*

A pretty orc has very little skill
And she’s often loath to make a kill
She’s always preening and checking her face
And she thinks scars are a big disgrace.
But if you make an ugly orc your match
You won’t need to hide her in the thatch.
She will wrestle you for your food
And help you produce an ugly brood.

*he makes thrusting motions with his hips*

If you wanna be happy and stay out late
Never take a pretty orc for your mate.
So for my personal point of view
Take an ugly orc to bed with you.
Don’t let your friends give you any guff
Pick an orc that’s both mean and tough
Though her face is ugly and full of hair,
Take it from me other orcs will stare.

*he pokes an orc in the eye*

If you wanna be happy and stay out late
Never take a pretty orc for your mate.
So for my personal point of view
Take an ugly orc to bed with you.

*as Rogrog finishes, another orc runs up shouting*

[ORC] Me find a farm! Der a human woman der!
We smash farm and get woman. Make her slave.

*Rogrog scrambles to find a weapon*

*Gruk runs directly into the forest at top speed*



SCENE FOUR – (small farm in the forest)

*Darci is working in the garden at her farm and singing happily*

[DARCI] I could have planted carrots
And alongside planted beans
Or filled the rows with Idahoes . . . Idahoes?
Or tried my hand at sowing land with diverse salad greens.
But that’s not why I have taken
To this course and have forsaken
All the comforts of an urban life.
Sewing circles and soirees
Leave me in a jaded haze.
I want to be a turnip farmer’s wife.

*she hoes the ground vigorously and continues singing*

I could have been a waitress
And dispensed wine and ale
Or filled my days with traveling plays
Or feeding oats to bleating goats within some shaded dale.
But that’s not why I have shifted
To this land and I have lifted
Up this hoe and taken to this life.
Lacey dresses and perfume
Put me in a dreadful gloom.
I want to be a turnip farmer’s wife.

*she wipes her brow in mock exhaustion and continues singing*

I can’t say that it’s all been good,
That everything’s gone as it should,
And yet I want it understoooooood . . .
I want to be a turnip farmer’s wife.

*a loud crash of brush interrupts her reverie as Gruk bursts through the trees and into the clearing*

*a bear is close at his heels*

*Gruk spots Darci and charges toward her*

*Darci lifts her hoe and swings it at Gruk*

*Gruk avoids the blow and lifts Darci to his shoulders and continues running across the clearing*

*Darci faints as Gruk crashes into the woods*

*distant noises of banging and shouting can be heard in the direction where Gruk had appeared*



SCENE FIVE – (forest clearing)

*Gruk slows down, panting*

*he stops running and sets the unconscious Darci on the forest floor*

*the bear is nearby, watching the two of them*

*Gruk catches his breath, rubbing his hands over his face in distress*
*he sings anxiously*

[GRUK] What shall I do?
What shall I do with you?
What shall I do now that our paths have finally crossed?

*he looks back*

Now my greatest fear
Should I leave you here
Is that you’ll be discovered and I shall be lost.

*looks upward and continues singing in anguish*

Oh, but if I were handsome,
I’d take you away from here.
We’d make tracks today from here and find true romance.

*looks sadly down at Darci*

Now, despite all my scheming
I am left with only dreaming
I wish I were handsome . . . so we would have a chance.

*he kneels beside Darci as a tear rolls down his cheek*

*the bear suddenly disappears in a flash of light and is replaced by a kindly, gray haired old man*

*Gruk stares in disbelief as the old man addresses him in a gentle tone*

[OLD MAN] Gruk, my woodland friend, you have proven yourself worthy.
You have always honored the woodlands that you inhabit and have attempted to protect them from your own kind.
Often at great risk to your own well being.
For that, the Druids of Lurkwood are indeed grateful.
Now, you have saved this woman.
Truly you are noble in both spirit and mind.

*he looks down at Darci, who is beginning to revive*

[OLD MAN] You have expressed a wish, Gruk, and today . . . that wish shall be granted.

*the old man waves a gnarled staff over Gruk and he is transformed into a handsome human*

[OLD MAN] Gruk, may you continue to enjoy the glories of nature with your newfound life *nods to Darci* and wife.

*Gruk stares in disbelief at his hands and then starts as he hears the noise of orcs nearby*

*Darcie revives and looks at Gruk, pulling back in surprise*

[GRUK] It’s okay, Darci.
You’re safe for now, but we must flee.
Orcs are nearby and we must leave this forest.

[DARCI] but . . . there was an . . . and he was . . . and . . . who are you?

[GRUK] Oh, we’ve met before *he helps her to her feet*
In this forest.

*begins to sing*

I’d promised to return to you
And now my dream is coming true,
Though turnip farming’s out, it’s true *sighs*
I’m just so glad that I have you
And you can see the person deep inside I truly am.

*recognizing the voice, Darci smiles excitedly and embraces Gruk*

[DARCI] It’s you!

*they embrace and then part and walk off into the woods, a final glance back at the old man*

*the old man begins casting a spell and walking toward the orcs, speaking menacingly*

[OLD MAN] Now . . . for those orcs . . .