A Land Far Away

Much has been written on the nature of gnomes. But little is truthed.

This is one of those lies.

This is the story of The Dungeon Master.

I just heard that gnomes are the popcorn of Faerun.

Indigomerperdink Duppleloppbopple Junior crouched in front of the lock, he fingers trembling at the pick. His fingers were sweaty, his hair plastered to his forehead. Breath whipped in an out of his fleshy lips as he felt an evil presence loom up behind him. He spun, back to the door, and saw his worst nightmare advance upon him.

"Where do you think you're going Indigomerperdink Duppleloppbopple Junior?" demanded Julinolariopodginscrogle Duppleloppbopple, his wife of eighty three years, and mother to his fourteen children.

"Er.... nowhere cupcake, I was just practicing" even as he said it, he knew the lie was a weak one. Sadly it was not a skill he was good at, and it showed.

"You aren't going out to do MORE ADVENTURING ARE YOU?" her voice raised, even as the clothes pin in her hand did.

"No cupcake, I wasn't" he lied again as he darted around her towards the back door. She took the opportunity to attack him as he ran past.

PRICK!

He regretted not having thicker clothes on. Perhaps there was something to this armor business he had seen the others wearing.

The sign over the door read Duppleloppbopple Security. Indigomerperdink walked through it (the door, not the sign) like he owned the place. Which he might well one day, or at least one eighth of it when his parents passed on (may that day never come). Inside nine other gnomes that looked remarkably like Indigomerperdink looked up in hope, then down in despair as they realized he wasn’t a customer, just part of the family.

Business had been down for a while.

There was a time when Duppleloppbopple Security had won and serviced contracts as far north as Luskan, and as far south as Nashkel. Back when there was strong demand for gnomish security features like steel window bars wrought as roses or exploding door knobs. These days though, demand was weak, and competition stronger (especially from the resurgent dwarves).

Times had been so tough in fact that thirty two years ago Indigomerperdink could no longer feed his own children working for Duppleloppbopple Security. So he joined the church of Oghma, and took a scribes pittance salary. The church of Gond had been far more tempting, but the income far less stable. Julinolariopodginscrogle had been very firm in making up his mind for him. Oh my Gond, that woman could eat.

Anyhow, the point is that Indigomerperdink was getting kind of tired being a recorder. He was ready to be a doer again, which meant that he needed to blow some dust off the old brain, loosen up the carpals, metacarpals, and phalanges, and not at all have a mid life crisis, because this is definitely not what is happening at all.

I must write quickly and quietly!

I am trapped in old mages school of Yintros! I had come in from above, they way Arryn showed me. The secret word is *scribble*. I have spoken it over and over since, hoping to be lifted above, but with no result. I find myself trapped between beetle swarms, my magics spent. I cannot rest with their scrambling, and I can only hope that the Binder sees fit to show me a way out.

I have trapped the corridor either side of me, which gives some comfort but it is only a matter of time before they smell me out.

Curse my clumsy feet, which stepped on a beetle underfoot, and removed my invisibility spell!

...

I think I have been here a year. My beard has not grown significantly, so the school may have slowed my aging, and need for water. What year will it be when I escape? Will Waterdeep even still exist? Will my children be grown?

Will Julie have remarried? Could the gods be that kind to me?

...

I have spent a lot of time trying to dig at the walls with my pudding spoon. I have succeeded in writing the shortened version of my name, and the spoon has now worn down to a nub.

...

I am so hungry. This will be the last page in my journal, for I am about to eat the rest, Oghma forgive me.