Dark Flower, Book II - Chapter 13 - The Spider's Web

Burt · Post by **Burt** » Wed Sep 07, 2005 3:32 pm

I printed this off last night and took it to bed. Much to my horror, my printer had ran out of ink halfway through, so I had to get up and read the rest at the screen.

What can I say? Awesome once again. It was so much better than the Drizzit tripe sitting at the side of my pillow that I regret having to return to it tonight.

I have some comments though.

I didn't like the scene with the cartographer. It felt like self-glorification, and unneccessary. I also didn't like how quickly Shey turned on her son - isn't this the child she's been dwelling on for years? I would have liked to read a little more on her emotional struggle. I also felt that Shey's orgasms when she discovered her potential power were gratuitous and bit little silly.

Besides that, it pwnd hard. Bring on the next installment!

poe1 · Post by **poe1** » Wed Sep 07, 2005 4:00 pm

I also felt that Shey's orgasms when she discovered her potential power were gratuitous and bit little silly.

LIES!

Mord · Post by **Mord** » Wed Sep 07, 2005 4:21 pm

poe1 wrote:
I also felt that Shey's orgasms when she discovered her potential power were gratuitous and bit little silly.
LIES!

I concur, I thought that was the best part of the story

Burt · Post by **Burt** » Wed Sep 07, 2005 5:24 pm

Pfft, well I didn't like it.

Mikayla · Post by **Mikayla** » Wed Sep 07, 2005 6:36 pm

The Burt:

I didn't like the scene with the cartographer. It felt like self-glorification, and unneccessary. I also didn't like how quickly Shey turned on her son - isn't this the child she's been dwelling on for years? I would have liked to read a little more on her emotional struggle. I also felt that Shey's orgasms when she discovered her potential power were gratuitous and bit little silly.

Generally speaking I just write what occured in game as I see it from Shey's perspective, and then throw in what is going on behind the scenes in Shey's head (ie my head when RPing Shey). Though I have some input in the direction the story takes, just as I have some input in the direction my own life takes, I am not really in control of the world. Thus, criticizing the style of the story makes sense, but criticizing the substance of the story does not as the story is simply a relating of what happened in game.

So, if something that happens in the story seems silly, like Shey's orgasms, I suppose it means we play a silly game. As a writer, I can choose to include or not include parts of the story, but a writer of things that happen, I have to be as faithful to what actually happened in game as possible and in game, silly or not, Shey had several orgasms (at least in her trance) as she saw her visions of power. The same holds true for how Shey turned on her son - there is nothing more written about Shey's emotional struggle because there really was not much emotional struggle. Like most drow, Shey evidences sociopathy meaning she lacks empathy for other beings and generally sees them as objects, not as people. I understand not liking her because of it - in game more than one character thinks she is a cold hearted, selfish bitch. Actually not liking the way she treats her son, however, is more a critique of my role-playing of Shey. To that I give little credence or weight - I play Shey the way I play her - what she does is what defines her character.

Now, as to the part about Silin Klendry - that is fiction pure and simple and as such is absolutely fair game for critique not only of style but of substance. Burt's critique that this section is unnecessary and self-glorifying is well taken as the section is arguably both those things. First off, let me say it was unnecessary in the sense that it was not needed to convey Shey's story. However, I, as a writer, felt it was needed to convey a sense of the times. I chose to fabricate this part to show the impact of these events on the common person. For us, the players, fighting Shades, allying with good/evil, losing our PC's souls, fighting horrible monsters and horrible odds are all a daily or weekly occurence. To 90%+ of Faerun's fictional commoners, however, this is not the case. The section about Silin was an attempt to force we jaded readers to take a step back from our own perspective and force us to look at the situation - the Shade war with its impending doom and insane alliances - from the perspective of a person not so jaded and experienced as we - in short - to return some 'wonder' and fantasy to the story, to give it some epic weight. Given the scope of the alliance forged to fight the Shades, this is the event of the times and will likely be the biggest quest/plot ALFA 1 sees. For ALFAs Faerun, this is an event on the scale of the battle of 'Troy' and Homer's Iliad - who knows maybe Silin Klendry will pen the defining book of the war - the ALFAliad.

My blurb here about Silin was an attempt to convey the sense of this epic event.

And to glorify Shey and Inthara a little bit more of course.

Misty · Post by **Misty** » Wed Sep 07, 2005 7:05 pm

Shey and Inthara are glorious, in all their beautiful, loving and terrible ways.

Hartex is such a slut, though.

Vendrin · Post by **Vendrin** » Wed Sep 07, 2005 7:47 pm

What can I say, he goes where he is wanted.

Misty · Post by **Misty** » Wed Sep 07, 2005 8:04 pm

and he was yummy

Mikayla · Post by **Mikayla** » Wed Sep 07, 2005 9:56 pm

For those that would really like a bit of Hartex, just ask Shey and she will likely sell you some - nothing like 'turning out' your pet demon. We could call him Ho'tex. I can add solicitation and pandering to Shey's list of crimes. "Madame" Mother? Hmm....

Zakharra · Post by **Zakharra** » Thu Sep 08, 2005 12:24 am

Thanks misty. This chapter and the next that Mik will write were the hardest for me to play in. Because they had such a emotional impact on Inthara.

For those that find this story disturbing and it gives you the willies, there is something that you can do... DON'T READ IT!

The story went where the RP took it. It is what happens from a PC's point of view...

Mord · Post by **Mord** » Thu Sep 08, 2005 12:49 am

Disturbing? DISTURBING?!?! I find cuddly, heartwarm pansy ass tales of flowers and frolicky frolickers disturbing

wvincenti · Post by **wvincenti** » Thu Sep 08, 2005 1:10 am

Mikayla thank you.
The story just keeps getting more gripping.

-Bill

Burt · Post by **Burt** » Thu Sep 08, 2005 1:35 am

Heh, I'm well aware the story is just a recounting of what happened IC. Just offering some constructive criticism rather than another "omg pwnz" post. Stating the parts I disliked the most and why. So stfu.

Nyarlathotep · Post by **Nyarlathotep** » Fri Sep 16, 2005 8:41 pm

Great story don't know how I missed it until now. Looks like frolicking is no longer to be considered a safe activity with this Born Again Llothian wandering the realms.